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"WARNING: The following content contains religion that may offend some users. Read at your own discretion!"

Santa Clause
Biological Information
Full Name Satan "Santa - St. Nick" Clause
Nicknames St. Nick
Ethnicity Demon
Nationality North Pole
Birth Place Unknown
Residence North Pole
Born Unknown
Physical Information
Gender Male
Hair Color None (true form)
White ("Santa" form)
Eye Color Red (true form)
Blue ("Santa" form)
Personal Information
Abilities Killing, Stalking
Family None
Minions Evil Elves, You
Allies Unknown
Enemies God
Political Information
Profession "Satan"
Affiliation "LOSDES (possibly)"
First Appearance "B.C. 2786"
Last Appearance
Satan "Santa - St. Nick" Clause is a nonfictional being who lives in the North Pole of "Earth".

Satan Edit

Now, in the above sentence, you, being the ignorant Communist fool you are, are probably wondering what the hell it's talking about. Simple, "Santa Clause", as he's called by people like you, is real, more real than you — in-fact, he's Satan. Now, this may conflict with the being of SpongeBob SquarePants, who is totally the Devil, but you see, Satan is no Devil. They are two entirely different beings. The Devil, SpongeBob in other words, is an evil creation of the LOSDES. In being so, he's nothing compared to the deadly power of Santa Clause.

Satan, playing this game under the name of "Old Saint Nick" or "Santa Clause", is a much more powerful creature from the underworld, itself. He has always been, even during his light-saber battle with God in B.C. 2786. Many moons after this plunge into the dark pit he was sent to after losing this battle, Satan found a way to crush the world above. He thought of a brilliant idea to create a book of "good" that told those above of the "good deeds" of God and his crew. This book being what is today known as The Bible.

Years later, people began focusing up an start believing the powers of Satan. These "Devil-Worshipers" as they're called are truly religious nutjobs as they believe in the false ideals set forth by the Bible. What this caused for Satan, was nothing he had ever hoped for. Satan began plunging those who believed this untruths and torturing them for all eternity. This is what has caused many peoples view on what they call Hell.

Satan has had a long history with God. The two used to be great friends, in-fact, Satan, according to his own works, known then as "Lucifer". Lucifer was the name he gave himself when he finished writing the bible. As time went on, the two became distant and Satan felt like he could be more. He captured God's only son and nearly killed him. He would've too if God hadn't sent his son to earth through a dangerous Space Bridge type device. Afterward, God exiled Satan the two became bitter rivals for all eternity.

War Spreads Edit

There are thousands of scuffles between the two parties, one such of these being the Grand Clash, a sacred battle between God and Satan in which God had to call upon the help of several of his good friends. Odin lost his eye in that confrontation. Another being the battle of B.C. 2786, listed above, which was the battle Satan was sent to the underworld.

Many tales begin to surface around Christmas. This is now a holiday in which those who celebrate it are joyous and happy, but that day wasn't always the most pleasant. The history behind Christmas is a long gripping tale of sorrow and destruction. This was the most harsh battle of the Thousand-Year War. This war was a time between B.C. 2341 and B.C 3237; lasting 896 years, it was called the Thousand-Year War.

The legends of Christ Mass, a celebration during the winter, began to spread. The tales told of the finest wines and the most widespread of harvests. Satan eventually got hold of words on this festival and decided to attack once during the war. This began the legends of the Thirteen Days of Christmas.

Santa Clause Rises Edit

Long after the Thousand-Year War, Satan found a way to repel God's barrier and find his way to the underworld. The only way to get out of hell was to give up half of his life energy, which no longer really mattered to him since he was in hell forever to come. He gave up some of his life energy and thus "Santa Clause" was born. He assumed the identity of a Saint (St. Nicklaus) and walked freely. Unfortunately, he was forced to roam the icy tundras of northern Canada as that was where he landed. After years of living in the harsh winter conditions, Santa Clause was ready to take flight. He hunted and killed all but 13 of the Reindeer species and began to settle at the most northern point he could find, the North Pole.

After living in the world for a few hundred years, Santa Clause began to think of himself as a god again. He built a sleigh and began pillaging towns all over the world. He stole whatever he could find: toys, drugs, materials, even slaves. After many years of training "elves" and building machinery, Santa was ready for the new world. Due to the worldly travel, he became sick and wounded. He could no longer handle cross worldly travel on a semi-daily basis anymore. He chose one day to do this every year, that day being "Christmas".

The Truth Edit

In case you haven't read any of the story above, which is so like you, you're in luck. The "writers" of this conspiracy wrote a little explanation of what Santa Clause really is. Santa, as said for the umpteenth time in this article, is Satan. Notice the distinct similarity between them, yet? Anyway, the truth is, Santa Clause sees you when you're sleeping as well as knows when you're awake. If this isn't something Satan also can see, I don't know what is.